Have you ever thought to yourself, the words, "I'm a disappointment"? I have. But that one person who keeps making me feel bad without knowing it, is my mom.
And I don't mean it in a bad way. If you could just, hear me out.
Almost 17 years, and I've screwed up more than a 28 year old possibly have. And who's that one person I keep letting down? Thats right, my very own mother.
I love her. I love her more than she'll ever know and I probably have expressed enough gratitude for her to see how much I do, but I know she deserves more. A woman like her, deserves more proof of appreciation than a billboard in the heart of Kuala Lumpur or a star named after her. I wish I could give her the world on a silver platter, my mother. But I can't. And that upsets me.
It amazes me how she would react to certain things sometimes. Moms are so unpredictable. When you think no one in the world would understand, surprise surprise, your mom proves you wrong. We all find it hard to forgive and forget, to give second chances, to rebuild trust after it gets broken. But out mothers? It'd take forever and a day for us to amount up how they never stop providing us what others find difficult.
This has been written with tears in my eyes. Not that I'm informing you I've been depressed and crying, instead these tears formed because I was genuinely so touched. To summarize what happened, lets just say I had a rough time with my dad, and in came my mom into my room laying a piece of paper with her cursive handwriting I've memorized. It was a letter, containing supportive words and saying "I know you're hurt dear" and telling me to be patient. And that she believes in me. And other things that instantly made me cry.
I heard myself saying, I don't deserve this. The things I've done, the words I've said, how could she still love me? It seemed illogical. Surreal. How could a person possibly love someone like me. And it made me realize that there really is nothing bigger than a mother's love. Theirs is eternal. And no guy can ever beat that. No doubt.
Despite all the realization, this post, I know I'm going to hurt her again without meaning to. And I hate how I can't help it. I mean, can you? No, none of us can. And just like any other relationship, something bad's gonna come up and I would do or say hurtful things and eventually regret the acts I've done. Typical.
40 years from now when she probably isn't around anymore, I'm gonna look back at this blog, read this post and bawl my eyes out. Because even then I would know how indescribably great of a mother I have had. I would remember every memory, every joke, every holiday, every hardship and every comforting words, and hugs.
I hate the idea of losing my mummy, but reality changes the world's cycle for no one. So for as long as I have the chance to, I'm going to make as much happy memories with my mom, and cherish every little moment of it. We will only ever have one mummy, one mama, one umie, one ibu or one mak, so love and appreciate this very one before fate decides to take her away from you.
Tell your mom you love her today, or you might just as well never come back to this blog ever again.
