Self-Loathing in Hand with Acceptance

I think that we are all struggling, figuring out things for ourselves and trying to play a part in world peace at the same time. Still learning how to be a daughter or a son, and freaking out at the thought that in 10 years or less from now you're going to have to learn to become a mom or a dad. Still wondering if we're only accepting the love that we think we deserve, or if you are even worthy of someone's love and attention. Still questioning why things turn out the way that they do, questioning God's actions and why your fate isn't as great as the next person's and then cursing at yourself for doubting His plans even for a second. You feel helpless. You feel restricted. You have so many questions to ask but you don't know if anyone would bother listening to your petty thoughts, and you feel that at this age you should be able to be strong for yourself or at least put up a strong front. Because nobody likes weaklings. Because having tears well up in your eyes way too many times would make you an oversensitive, a crybaby, and nobody has time for that.

And there is an image that we must maintain, yes. In order to be accepted by society we must look a certain way to be considered pretty and behave in a certain manner and if one of us acts out they'll end up being on the trending topic for something loathsome, but that's Malaysian's mentality for you. They make stupid people famous on Twitter and the undiscovered talents on Youtube don't even get the publicity that they deserve.

And then there are those nights spent alone in your room, in the dark, accompanied by music that just makes you wanna die. And you are forced to face your thoughts, enough time to blame yourself for everything and create self-hatred, and try to remember when things went wrong and what you could have possibly done to prevent it all from turning out the way it did. And you hide under the covers and feed yourself with sappy love movies with unrealistic happy endings and wish and wonder why things like that don't happen in real life. And then you knock yourself in the head with reality, and choose to count your blessings. Because there's a lot to be thankful for, and there are way more people that have it worse. That your problems do not measure up to the ones who are suffering from poverty, hunger, pain, war, family loss. And you say your prayers and thank God for all that you have, and apologize for only looking for Him in times of need, and express your gratitude for He is the most forgiving, and the most understanding, and the only one that will never leave. And you struggle again to let yourself to sleep. 

Uncanny Ways of Reality

It's almost the end of the year, and it got me thinking if I were still the same girl I was a year or two ago, and if the 7 year old me would've been proud of the way I turned out to be.

I've learned that people do not necessarily change, instead they morph into the person they were destined to be. And that things are always easier said than done, and advises are simpler given than followed. I still believe that love is the root of happiness, but I've rationally come to terms with the fact that love isn't enough to survive this world and it's bs, unfortunately pieces of papers play an insanely huge role. Feelings do fade, and people do change. From a change of heart to a change of physicality, people and situations and trends and feelings are ever-changing, and that is inevitable.

I've learned to not believe everything I see in movies, that they have directors telling them to kiss each other madly after a stupid fight, that their purpose is to deceive the viewers with the perfect Hollywood idea of love which leaves us expecting too much and beckoning disappointment to come a-knocking. But no, I have not outgrown those cheesy old romantic movies and rom coms and whatnot and I still continue watching them because of the feels they give me, and I like it when the hopeful little girl inside of me beams with happiness whenever I put them on.

I've learned to not worry about things that are out of my control, and overthinking is a recipe to self-destruction. And that it is okay to put your feelings first sometimes, if not all the time as in the end, you're going to die alone anyway. But then again I'd like to have people attending my funeral and getting constant visits and prayers after my passing, and I don't intend on leaving this world with so many people hating on my guts. No, I try to seek for peace and be in good terms with everyone that I like (though there are a few or more people that I really, really dislike).

I've learned to be more accepting, I suppose. That it's okay to be my usual optimistic realist self throughout this lifetime cause I believe I'd be just fine. And that you can't run away from this society, from running in the same circles but you can work your ass off and get the fuck out of here. But mostly, I've learned to appreciate my parents who aren't getting any younger, my sister who isn't getting any less busier with work by the day, my maid of 16 years who never fails to provide, my best friends & friends that have never forgotten nor left, and my boyfriend who knows me like the back of his hand.

Your Name In Loving Memory

"To love is to let go."

I was mulling over these words
Trying to comprehend how that is
And then I understood

To love is to sacrifice, my mother always tells me
And to let go is an act of acceptance
To love is to put their happiness above your own
To let go is to love them enough to set them free

To love is to understand how they feel
To let go is to push aside your emotions for their sake
To love is to figure out what they really mean to say
To let go is to do whatever it is that makes them happy

To love is to put up with what they put you through
To let go is to stay and tolerate anyway
To love is to be able to sense when your time is done
To let go is to walk away, and camp in a corner somewhere

To love is to silently pray that they'll find what they're looking for
To let go is to watch them rise without feeling resentful
To love is to have the strength to let them go
To let go - is to selflessly love them from afar with no complaint

Live To Eat

So what is this obsession with thigh gaps anyway? I always thought it sounded kinda silly when having one started to become a must-have in girl world. I know way too many people who are obsessed with losing weight and most of them are not doing it the right way. I admit I've been through phases that I go on unhealthy diets before certain events or whatnot but otherwise I eat normally (and may I add unhealthily..) Anyways, I am concerned more than anything and a little bit frustrated honestly with the fact that the people around me seem to never EAT.

Ah yes.. Now you see where this is coming from. I swear I'm not exaggerating, but almost every person I know or go out with always have the same excuses of not having any appetite, on a diet or just "not hungry." Every single time. There have been times that I thought to myself if my face was unappetizing.. And it gets to me sometimes because I feel like I don't have anyone to share my love for food with. You know how you love it when you can bond with someone over your mutual interest in a genre of music or a certain author? Well, same goes to food. I feel like everyone needs an eating buddy and it is sad to say that I've never had one. Well I did but now she only eats sandwiches once a day.

What is life.

But honestly that is the least of my problems. What genuinely worries me is the extent that people and some of my friends go to just to get that ideal body they set for themselves. And it wouldn't bother me if they were doing it by spending time at the gym, eating healthy meals at least 3 times a day and whatever method that's properly recommended. I have a friend who's currently experimenting with liquid diet and I am partially at fault for that for telling her about it, though the main reason I did was just to share with her the craziness of the idea, not encourage her to follow it! Anyways, liquid diet from what I've gathered is basically a water-only diet. You go on days without eating, and everytime you feel hungry you are only allowed to drink water. Now doesn't that sound crazy? Yes you can see drastic changes in your weight loss by taking this up but once you start eating again, you'll gain weight like crazy. This is definitely not the right way to lose weight as it is dangerous, it'll make you feel lethargic and you need nutrition to survive school or college. So please girls, do not ever take this diet into consideration

I've also had a couple of friends who suffered from bulimia. One thing I can say about making yourself vomit after binge eating is, once you start you cannot stop. Yes some of them put themselves in that position and that is their fault, but what matters more is the fact that once they've learned their lesson and try to put an end to it, they find it almost impossible and since their body system has been immune to the ritual of puking after eating, they cannot hold it back and are forced to follow that order every single day. And it is not a pretty sight, especially when you have to witness your own friend going through it. So my point is again please, do not start. When you go through some of these things, eventually you'll stop having a choice. There is a larger possibility for a heavy smoker to quit than a person who goes through diets similar to this to get out of the cycle.

I understand the need to look a certain way in this world, and I honestly don't blame some of the girls. It is no surprise as to why most people get bullied, hasn't it always been about the size they wear and how big their thighs are? Some people are so fucking shallow. The stories I've heard of what some of them have to go through, the names and snide comments they have to hear people say everyday, the looks on people's faces when they walk by.. as if they don't belong. As if this world must consist of only skinny girls and buff guys. To hell with that. Anyone should be allowed to look the way they are comfortable with and to eat as much as they want without chanting the line "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" while contemplating if they should eat a god forsaken french fries.

Food is one of the greatest creations made ever. Now, living the healthy life is highly admirable and I have nothing against that. But as for those who are starving themselves and saying no to food when there's a rock concert going on in your stomach, please learn to love yourself and do not ever let other people bring you down. If you want that hot bod, work for it. Otherwise, eat all the good food the world has to offer. Trust me it is a life-changing experience, trying out new restaurants, travelling and tasting different cuisines, coming up with new recipes at home and sharing mouthgasmic food with the people who appreciate the same taste. It is fun, too! You say you only live once, so why waste this only life you have by avoiding one of the best things life has got to offer? Clothes and handbags are great and all but not a lot tops fulfilling your cravings. 

He Was My Person

Good evening, lovers of the rain.

I just finished watching the third episode of Glee Season 5 as a tribute to Cory Monteith, and it was basically a series of waterworks throughout the 45 minutes. I've been following the show since the first season and so I watched his progress, I witnessed their bond and I feel their loss. It's relatable, and it's yet another self-reminder on how we should appreciate the people that we have while they are still present in our lives. 

The episode pretty much got me thinking to myself, how people always express their regrets and say the words "should have" when it's already too late. Why do we only say "I should've held on to her," or "I should've hugged him at that point when I had the chance" only when we can't do those things anymore. We are the people who take each other for granted. I am so tired of hearing the same line, feeling the same feeling and utter the same thing over and over again. When are we ever going to learn? 

It is so easy to lose someone, to have a chance slip through your fingers, to have something you thought was permanent being taken away from you. Do you notice how we only appreciate something more when it's taken away from us? Say you have an iPod, and you have a smartphone as well so you find no reason to use the iPod, and so you kinda just keep it aside. And only when you're spring cleaning your room you find that you've lost that item that you thought never brought any benefits to you, and all of a sudden you want to get mad and upset over that loss, thinking what if you might need to use it one day and now it's gone forever. See, that's taking the iPod for granted right there. When it's around you don't give a time of your day for it, but when it's gone you furiously wish you had kept it close to you. A simple example that can be implied on people and other things with sentimental value as well. 

Everytime I remember how I sometimes forget to prioritize my mom, it upsets me. I see how hard she tries to give me the best in life and how she's always doing this cute gestures and trying to win me over and get my attention. I am honestly blessed with this wonderwoman who deserves much better treatment than I have ever given her. I think sometimes we momentarily forget, that our parents aren't growing any younger and we should know better, that they are going to leave us any moment now because really, since when has age been the only reason of death? We have got to start remembering what's most important in life. Friends and lovers, just like the seasons they come and they go. But family? They're the only ones that stay. Everything you do, no matter how ugly a side of yourself that only they have seen, they still accept you. You are still living under their roof. Who else would be able to provide you with that? I believe family are the only ones who will never grow tired of you, never give up on you and never make you feel alone.

And how are we contributing in that role as a fellow family member? We expect and we take yet are we sacrificing and are we giving? That's the problem with people. We're selfish beings. We think too highly of ourselves sometimes that we forget to be responsible of others feelings. We expect things to get better but we're not doing anything to change it. I always give this matter a thought, especially concerning my mom, who, god bless her motherly instinct, knocked on my door while I was in the midst of writing this just to be all loving and manja with me. It's something that we do, and I'm glad I'm one of those kids who have a decent relationship with their parents. I understand that not everyone has it easy, and they have their own explanations to it, I just believe anything is possible if you tried. I'm not the perfect daughter and we've had our arguments but I believe the importance of a strong family bond is crucial.

I suppose it's because I've been through some things that made me realize that fact. I may have despised the situation I was in at the time but now I see it as both a lesson and a blessing more than anything. I would've never known to appreciate people who are significant rather than the opposite if I haven't had to go through so much shit at this age. If you haven't gone through it yet, there will come a time that you feel like friends or people who aren't blood-related to you seem to offer more than your family can, and you will get blinded by their greatness, but sooner or later an incident or two will reveal the truths of it all.

But that doesn't mean friends do not deserve your appreciation. Hell yes they do. And lovers, and kind strangers, and whoever else that have helped you get through. The point of this post is to remind you to pay more attention to what's going on in your house, spend more quality time with your parents who are growing older by the day, go for coffee once in a while with your siblings to get updates on each others lives as you both understand how busy one and the other are, spend more time embracing the love you and your partner have for each other rather than picking small fights, keep in touch with that old friend who's never forgotten you, fill the lives of your friends with good vibes and allow yourself to do and say nice things to people no matter how random they might find it. Because nothing lasts forever and regretting isn't going to turn back time. 

Do it while you still can.

All Things Alice

Heyya, so where do I begin?

Maybe an explanation for the visible abrupt change you see on my blog? Well how bout that. It took me four years to get rid of that morbid looking layout and step out of my comfort zone. Cause that's honestly what I was doing, always burying myself in the comfort of the darkness and simplicity it provided me, the familiarity and the fear of change. Ha, that proves my attachment issues.. but does this mean it's been resolved? Fingers crossed. 

So it's a Friday night and me having to miss home for two weeks count it as a blessing that I am in my own room now, comfortably seated and well fed, feeling loved and listening to eargasmic indie rock. Man, living on your own is not easy. When you are away from the comforts of home that's when you really realize and learn the hardships of life. And heck I'm only living 20 minutes away from home, can you imagine the ones surviving absolutely on their own across the oceans from their families? I always give those people my utmost respect. 

Anyways, what was the point of this post? Ah yes, change. Change is something that we all secretly fear - we know it's good for us, that it could lead to endless possibilities, but we are always reluctant to take that one risk. Why? Because we're comfortable, we accept anything in life as long as it helps us get by. But is that the kind of life worth living? Do we just settle? What if you deserve better and are capable of more but you'll never know it cause you don't constantly remind yourself that the sky is the limit?

What happened to the dreamer in us when we were a kid? The one who believed in superpowers and imagined a future life with much more creativity than we have now? Sure you're a much better drawer now, you can actually outline an iris to the very last detail instead of only drawing stick men and your photography skills impress most instagrammers but do you still daydream about that house you saw on 13 Going On 30? Do you still think you have might have a hidden talent in performing the way you did after you watched School of Rock?

I feel like I was way more optimistic and hopeful when I was younger. And I can hear some of you saying "no shit sherlock," cause really it's the people, the treatment we've been getting and the pain that's changed us all. But then again, it's always easy to put the blame on someone else isn't it? It's like we're always finding excuses to play victim. Why? When people throw you shit, why do we bury ourselves in it instead of wiping it off? Why do we lay there feeling sorry for ourselves when we can very well pull ourselves up with our own two feet? At the end of the day, isn't it only you and yourself against the world? People leave, and when they do, who's gonna have your back?

Pretty sure I told myself the same thing over and over again, but I always allow myself to fall into the same trap. But hey, that's my choice and everyone's got their own, we're all struggling and surviving in this world, just on different matters and handling it in different ways. And as you can probably gather, I am one person who is easily distracted and a conversation with me would mean leading from one topic to another and they might all be irrelevant to one another.

Sigh, I really need to get my shit together.

Well, I intended this post to bring a meaning since my mind was set on a certain idea but since I've gotten offtrack might as well continue on that another day. I'm feeling more like hot chocolate and movie in bed right now. I hope everybody's surrounded by good vibes and are doing things they wouldn't regret the next day. Cheerio!

Someday It's Gonna Make Sense

All in good time. 

Late Night Venting

Hey there, amazing.

Just a quick post before I end my revision for Sociology tonight. 8AM class tomorrow but that's never bothered me before when it comes to you.

I'd say things have been better, and I could've made wiser decisions. But the fact that I didn't leads me to where I am right now, the state of mind that I'm in, and the situation that I have yet to find an exit to. Months ago, who knew this were to happen to us. But then again, nothing has ever been predictable when it comes to you and me. What an odd story to tell our grandkids huh? Although some stuff I'd suggest we leave out for the benefits of both parties.. Perhaps a book would be good though, I reckon. It's always been this little dream of mine to write a book about something so significant that's happened in my age of youth.

Young love.. full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality. 

That was us though wasn't it. Always not giving a rat's ass of what other people thought of us. As long as we had each other, in spite of wherever we were, we'd be happy. I can't deny the ups and downs (and ups and downs and ups and downs..) that we had, but hey, we went through it all didn't we? Knocked 'em all to the ground. I always felt stronger when I know you're by my side, but I guess that's my problem. I'm too dependent on you! God, but you must take the blame for that though. You were always spoiling me with your love and attention and that just made us both each others clingy koalas. But hey, no complaints. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now I know we've made our fair share of mistakes and I'm still paying for my damage but I hope you know that no matter how long it takes, I'll wait. I have pretty much handed my entire being to you and I see no way of getting it back, nor do I have the intention of wanting it. I belong to you. Until the day you grow tired of my fannoyingness and you no longer want anything to do with my comot face, my heart is yours to hold.

We've come a long way, and only God and the both of us know the things we've been through and the battles we've survived, the roads we took together and the choices that we've made for both of us. I don't need their understanding, I only ever needed your love. I miss that little bubble we were once upon a time perfectly happy in. I guess I should constantly remind myself that time changes things and that is inevitable. All we can do is own up to our faults and accept what we deserve. You've paid your price, now it's my turn to go through the pain.

Maybe I'll never get back the guy who bought John Green's book collection just cause I bought it too and listen to John Mayer in the car while he cruises down the highway while he was missing me, but at least it's a memory that stays for me to always look back and smile to, knowing that great things happened to me at a young and carefree age, all thanks to you. And hey, maybe now I should start playing GTA V and learn how to speed like a pro on the road, too :b

You, I will always love. You, I will always miss. Maybe things will get better, maybe it won't. All I hope for now is that you find your way back home to me one day.

Food For Thought

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely, they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

The Sad Truth Is That The Truth Is Sad

It always kinda humoured me how people react to deaths. Now pardon me for sounding insensitive, in contrary to what you made out of that line, I meant it in the way that people only seem to appreciate and make a big deal out someone's presence only when that person is already absent. Sad, isn't it? Right now we may not mean a thing to anybody but once we fall off the face of the earth for good, that's when we're suddenly the society's very best friend.

Like Cory Monteith's going for instance. I barely heard people in my sight ever rave about him let alone acknowledge his existence, yet once the news of his passing reached the media and social networks, that's when everyone and I mean everyone started to pretend that they have always favoured his talents and supported him when reality is, they never gave two fucks about him. Don't get me wrong, including him in our prayers and sending our condolences to the family or so is the humanly thing to do but it just irks me how people suddenly appear to be his biggest fans only after he's no longer around to see it. Same thing implies to us. We will only be appreciated, acknowledged, missed and be given attention to when we're gone for good to ever witness it, and their love for us will only be expressed when we can no longer feel it, the way we always hoped to be loved when we were healthy and very much alive.

That's the thing about relationships, friendships, acquaintances, connections. People take each other for granted. Your good deeds, your beautiful thoughts, your amazing personality, your wild imagination, your generosity and all the good in you will only be remembered after you leave, but never treasured while you're still around. I suppose when you're around someone for too long you kinda just get used to their presence that you feel that they'll always be there, and there's no need to express gratitude for their existence constantly, and that you shouldn't make a fuss out of reminding them how much you love them and how you can't live without them. Because it takes one's death for you to realize how life is without that person. And when it hits you that they're gone forever and you will never get the chance to see them ever again in this lifetime, that's when regrets wash you over like the waves, and it'd be too late.

Death. The thought of it always made me sad. Sad of a person's going, sad of knowing that I too will one day pass by, and sad of seeing people's hypocritical behaviour only after a person's zip code has been changed to six feet under.