He told me that I was such an emo-blogger. He told me I should stop filling my blog with terribly sad posts. He told me I should start writing when I'm happy.
I was about to. I was thisclose to. I had words piling up and slowly a page of lovely thoughts put into words were going to be typed out on this very space of pure white.
But then wasn't meant to happen. None of this was ever going to be. We were never meant to be together, me and him.
It's breaking me. I can feel it. I can feel the beating of my heart struggling to keep its tempo. I can feel my tears keeping strength from falling down. I can feel the constant gulps I'm carrying out, trying to contain myself from losing control.
It's happening again. So soon, I was thrown back into a season of being brokenhearted. Why, why, why? Please, please don't do this to me. Not again. Why am I the victim of my own belief, yet again? Why am I being punished and being tortured with such misery, yet again? Why am I the only one going through this all over again, yet again?
I love him. I love him so much, it's killing me. I wish I didn't fall for him, I wish I was strong enough to stay away. I wish after all the things he said, the things he did, I would actually outgrow the love I ever had for him. But no, no. I can't lie to myself. At least not here. He doesn't have to know because really, he could only care less but I need him. I need him in my life in spite all the fights and misunderstandings. It didn't matter that he made me sad more than he ever made me happy because that millisecond of him making my heart smile, has never proved the definition of worthwhile more than true. He was the reason of my happiness. The only reason of my genuine smile. And it's all over now and I can feel myself slowly breaking apart.
No more long hours of talking on the phone, no more waiting for night to come so that I could hear your voice, no more thinking to myself during the day "Oh, I'm gonna tell him about this tonight!". No more hoping, no more waiting, no more expecting.
We were history.
